Home is where The Horse is

The human sexual act comprises two principal objectives and, in general, two partners (though several more may participate if the event is being filmed for commercial purposes). The first objective requires that both protagonists locate a specific bodily component belonging to the other. This achieved, the second involves introducing one of said components to its counterpart. On the face of it, a fairly uncomplicated operation, roughly analogous to putting a grilled sausage into one’s mouth.

Nonetheless, sex can be time-consuming and fraught, often leading to tears, recriminations, extra laundry and complaints from the neighbours.

For the sake of analysis, the sex act can be divided into five distinct phases.

Phase 1 is what we might term The Treasure Hunt. During this phase, both partners will tear at each other’s clothing, detach and lose buttons, fumble hooks, swear, catch heels in trouser legs or pantyhose and fall over on the rug. This will cause them to breathe heavily and go red in the face.

Next, each will run their hands (and, occasionally, other bits) all over their partner in an attempt to locate the bodily components in question. This usually takes the head as its departure point (though the more fastidious may start at the feet and make their way northwards).

Given that the aforementioned components are conveniently and conspicuously located at the base of each partner’s abdomen, this quest seems unnecessarily roundabout. After all, you do not rub the sausage all over your naked body before biting into it.

Phase 2 might be dubbed Indecision and Affirmation. In this phase, once the leading partner has fully inserted his bodily component into the other’s, he must then remove it. Having removed it, he must then reinsert it. Having reinserted it, he must then remove it again. This uncertainty continues until both partners repeatedly shout the word ‘Yes’.

Phase 3 is the Mistaken Identity phase. At this point in the proceedings, both partners will refer to each other as ‘God’, usually prefixed by the declarative ‘Oh’. This is despite the fact that, in reality, their names are Trevor and Shelley.

Phase 4 is the Quality Control phase. As things become more heated, the partner who is not occupied with insertion and removal may feel the need to reiterate the statement ‘You’re so good!’ This usually acts as the prelude to a long and piercing scream, which may cause residents of adjacent properties to call the police in the erroneous belief that a murder is taking place.

Phase 5, the final phase, may be called the Quiet Agony phase. This involves both partners lying still and breathing evenly. One, however, will likely be suffering acute pins and needles while wondering how to remove his/her arm from beneath the sleeping head of the other. S/he may also be contemplating food, drink, a cigarette, an itch or the time.

(An alternative Phase 5 involves one or both partners apologising and making excuses, usually with reference to customary performance. One or both may also be experiencing sensations of guilt and dressing hurriedly.)

I'm off to put the kettle on. Fancy a cup?